How to Deal With Adult Bullying

While many believe that bullying only happens throughout childhood, it doesn’t always stop once we grow up. In fact, almost one in three adult Americans report being bullied, with 43% feeling that adult bullying has become a more acceptable behavior. Making it an unacceptable behavior is important since bullying can have damaging effects—even for those doing the bullying.

Here we clarify what an adult bully is and the different types. We also share the mental health effects of adult bullying, followed by ways to deal with bullying as a victim, bystander, or even as a perpetrator who wants to stop engaging in this harmful behavior.

What Constitutes an Adult Bully?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines bullying as "a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort." Just like children and teenagers can be bullies, so can adults.

An adult bully can regularly make the victim of their actions feel oppressed, belittled, humiliated, or de-energized. Some of the behaviors that they engage in include:

• Invasion of the other person's personal space
• Personal insults
• Public shaming
• Ridiculing jokes
• Threats
• Unwanted personal contact

Harassment vs. Bullying 

The terms 'bullying' and 'harassment' are often used interchangeably when talking about hurtful or destructive behavior. This is understandable since they both involve:

• Power and control
• Acts that intentionally hurt or harm another person 
• An imbalance of power between the victim and the perpetrator 
• The target having trouble stopping the action directed toward them

However, the difference between the two is that when these behaviors are based on a protected status (race, color, religion, age, etc.), it is harassment. Harassment involves inappropriate conduct that becomes a condition of employment or creates a hostile, abusive, or intimidating workplace.

Types of Adult Bullies

There are numerous different types of adult bullies, some of which include:

• Tangible/material bully: These types of bullies use their formal power, such as when in a position as a boss or manager. Or, they have some sort of authority or control over the other person's finances and use it to intimidate others.
• Verbal bully: A verbal bully shames and insults the other person with their words. Often, they offer constant criticism or engage in cruel teasing. Sometimes the language used by this type of bully is sexist, racist, homophobic, or threatening.
• Passive-aggressive bully: While not always considered a bully, this type is the most cunning in some ways because they act amicable on the outside but then take unexpected swings. They also engage in gossip, sarcasm, and hurtful jokes. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking. They might also isolate their targets, causing them to feel anxious and insecure.
• Cyberbully: This person bullies their victims through a computer, cell phone, or other electronic device. Cyberbullying is a significant problem for teens, especially LGBTQ teens and those who are White or multi-racial. Regardless, anyone can be a victim of emails, text messages, and social media posts designed to bully them. 
• Physical bully: Physical bullies can exhibit a range of behaviors, from simulating violence by raising their fists as if about to strike to throwing and breaking objects to violent acts of physical, domestic, and sexual abuse.

Mental Health Effects of Bullying

Bullying can affect our mental health short and long term. Both victims and perpetrators of bullying face:

• Behavioral problems
• Emotional issues
• Increased risk of mental health conditions, such as depression
• Reduced self-esteem
• Troubles socially and in school

Adult bullying can have harmful effects on bystanders as well. One study found that people who witness bullying tend to have more psychological symptoms. They also have less life satisfaction.

How to Deal with Adult Bullying

Strategies for dealing with adult bullying vary depending on whether we are the victim, bystander, or the perpetrator.

As a Victim

There are a few things victims of adult bullying can do to protect themselves:

• Decide when to respond. If the behavior is not excessive or harmful and contact with the bully is infrequent (such as only at yearly family gatherings), it may be possible to just avoid the other person. Because of the amount of time it can take to handle bullying behavior in many cases, picking one's battles if it isn't directly harmful may be the best option. 
• Make eye contact. Eye contact can be significant, as bullies have less empathy when they can't see your face or eyes. Having strong eye contact is also a sign of greater self-confidence, which can reduce the likelihood of being bullied in the first place because it makes us a less desirable target.
• Escape if possible. If being bullied at work, for instance, we might ask to move our desks further away from the bully or limit our interactions with them whenever possible. If that fails, we may consider going one step further and ask to switch to another position in the organization, if one is available and desirable.
• Document the offenses. Document every single offense and keep those records for as long as possible. They may be needed later to file a complaint at work or, in some cases, a police report if the bully's actions become emotionally or physically damaging.
  

As a Bystander

There are several things that, as bystanders to adult bullying, we can do:

• Question the behavior of the bully to shift the focus of the interaction.
• Utilize humor to redirect the conversation.
• Since there is strength in numbers, bystanders can intervene as a group to demonstrate their disagreement with bullying.
• Walk with the victim of the bullying to help diffuse potential interactions.
• Check in privately with the bullied person to let them know that we disagree with the other person's actions and that we care.

As a Perpetrator

In many cases, people who bully have had a traumatic childhood and/or regularly endured domestic violence, physical abuse, or other forms of abuse. Dealing with the effects of this trauma or violence can help reduce bullying behaviors.

Psychotherapy is one option for healing emotional trauma or reducing traumatic stress. A mental health professional can help us find healthy ways to cope with the experiences we've endured, enabling us to not take our hurts out on others.

Self-care is also important after experiencing traumatic events. This includes:

• Eating a healthy diet
• Getting regular exercise
• Making sleep a priority
• Pursuing creative activities we enjoy, such as art or music
• Relaxing
• Spending time outdoors

Getting Help for Adult Bullying

Dealing with a bully can take a toll in various ways. Help exists for its effects, whether those effects are physical, mental, or both.

For physical consequences of being bullied, like experiencing sleep issues or having pain conditions triggered by elevated stress, a primary care provider can help. To cope with the mental effects of bullying, consider working with a mental health professional.

It's also beneficial to utilize our support network. Find support from co-workers, friends, or family. Sometimes the best way to buffer the impact a bully has on us is to reach out to others in our life, giving our feelings a voice and having our emotions validated.