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Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self & Live with Confidence
From the author of the self-help hit, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, this essential guide offers daily, practical ways to help you heal the invisible wounds caused by immature parents, nurture self-awareness, trust your emotions, improve relationships, and stop putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you probably still struggle with anger, sadness, resentment, or shame. As a child, your emotional needs were not met, your feelings were dismissed, and you likely took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. Somewhere along the way, you lost your sense of self. And without this strong sense of self, you may feel like your own well-being isn’t valuable.
In this compassionate guide—written just for you, not them—you’ll find tips and tools to help you set boundaries with others, honor and validate your emotions, and thrive in the face of life’s challenges. You’ll discover how to protect yourself from hurtful behavior, stop making excuses for others’ limitations, forge healthier relationships, and feel more confident in your life. Most importantly, you’ll learn how to stop putting others’ needs before your own, and manage daily stressors with competence, clarity, and optimism.
Self-care means honoring and respecting the self. But when you grow up with emotionally immature parents, you are taught that setting limits is selfish and uncaring. You are taught to seek approval instead of authenticity in relationships. And you are taught that empathy and emotional awareness are liabilities, rather than assets. But there’s another way to go through life—one in which you can take care of yourself, first and foremost.
Let this book guide you toward a new way of being.
If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you probably still struggle with anger, sadness, resentment, or shame. As a child, your emotional needs were not met, your feelings were dismissed, and you likely took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. Somewhere along the way, you lost your sense of self. And without this strong sense of self, you may feel like your own well-being isn’t valuable.
In this compassionate guide—written just for you, not them—you’ll find tips and tools to help you set boundaries with others, honor and validate your emotions, and thrive in the face of life’s challenges. You’ll discover how to protect yourself from hurtful behavior, stop making excuses for others’ limitations, forge healthier relationships, and feel more confident in your life. Most importantly, you’ll learn how to stop putting others’ needs before your own, and manage daily stressors with competence, clarity, and optimism.
Self-care means honoring and respecting the self. But when you grow up with emotionally immature parents, you are taught that setting limits is selfish and uncaring. You are taught to seek approval instead of authenticity in relationships. And you are taught that empathy and emotional awareness are liabilities, rather than assets. But there’s another way to go through life—one in which you can take care of yourself, first and foremost.
Let this book guide you toward a new way of being.
248 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2021
About the author
Lindsay C. Gibson
12 books830 followersLindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature parents. She is author of Who You Were Meant to Be, and writes a monthly column on well-being for Tidewater Women magazine. In the past she has served as an adjunct assistant professor of graduate psychology for the College of William and Mary, as well as for Old Dominion University. Gibson lives and practices in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 279 reviews
December 20, 2021
Overall this book has very little to do with self-care and significantly less to do with emotionally immature parents. The advice given was choppy, inconsistent, and unsourced, going as far as to cite a TV show about dog training in a section about establishing boundaries; comparing people to dogs aside, the show cited was Cesar Milan’s show which features his training style that is based entirely on a study that has been proven inaccurate to the lifestyle of wolves (which was what the study was done on), let alone dogs or people.
The “bite-sized sections” were wildly organized and only loosely related to what the title implies the book is about. It was hard to follow as the book is chock full of bizarre metaphors and comparisons (girls are horses but they should be mules, what??), unfounded claims as to the abilities or desires of “introverted” or “extroverted” people, and suggestions to “practice” establishing boundaries on people whose conversational styles don’t match your own.
There’s an entire section on parenting, which would be great if the book were titled “parenting for people who have emotionally immature parents,” if it actually focused on having had EI parents in any way instead of telling parents to allow their children to be immature (do you really need to be told this?). This section claims that people who have children lose their personalities and have no possible way to enjoy themselves, but they’re somehow more fulfilled than those without - a point which I can’t find any sources to back up and can’t find any reason why it would ever be included at all.
The amount of times the author implies that mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and ADHD are caused by something you do instead of the science-backed truth that mental illnesses such as these are just brain structure and function is shocking from someone who has a degree in psychology. Another bizarre tip featured is that emotions only last 90 seconds (again, what is the source for this?), and if they last longer it’s because you’ve chosen to feel it. This could be understandable if we’re talking about environmentally induced emotions, but is wild when you’re talking about experiences such as grief, life instability, or generally anything bigger than overstimulation or something akin to being cut off in traffic.
There’s nothing in this book that you can’t get a better version of elsewhere, the editing and organization is a mystery and destroys any good bits I could manage to pull from it, and the claims made in it are baffling and off-topic the majority of the time. I couldn’t possibly recommend this to anyone, and it was truly grating to finish.
The “bite-sized sections” were wildly organized and only loosely related to what the title implies the book is about. It was hard to follow as the book is chock full of bizarre metaphors and comparisons (girls are horses but they should be mules, what??), unfounded claims as to the abilities or desires of “introverted” or “extroverted” people, and suggestions to “practice” establishing boundaries on people whose conversational styles don’t match your own.
There’s an entire section on parenting, which would be great if the book were titled “parenting for people who have emotionally immature parents,” if it actually focused on having had EI parents in any way instead of telling parents to allow their children to be immature (do you really need to be told this?). This section claims that people who have children lose their personalities and have no possible way to enjoy themselves, but they’re somehow more fulfilled than those without - a point which I can’t find any sources to back up and can’t find any reason why it would ever be included at all.
The amount of times the author implies that mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and ADHD are caused by something you do instead of the science-backed truth that mental illnesses such as these are just brain structure and function is shocking from someone who has a degree in psychology. Another bizarre tip featured is that emotions only last 90 seconds (again, what is the source for this?), and if they last longer it’s because you’ve chosen to feel it. This could be understandable if we’re talking about environmentally induced emotions, but is wild when you’re talking about experiences such as grief, life instability, or generally anything bigger than overstimulation or something akin to being cut off in traffic.
There’s nothing in this book that you can’t get a better version of elsewhere, the editing and organization is a mystery and destroys any good bits I could manage to pull from it, and the claims made in it are baffling and off-topic the majority of the time. I couldn’t possibly recommend this to anyone, and it was truly grating to finish.
July 23, 2022
All three books in this series are fantastic, but this one could be titled Life Skills Refresher for Adults of Human Parents, as it supports and clarifies healthy maturation and growth for *anyone*.
Short, right to the point chapters cover everything from healthy emotional boundaries, to what emotionally mature friendships do and don’t look like (and how to develop better ones, if your current friendships are draining or painful), to practical ways to approach stress and life challenges. And how to find a spiritual teacher that isn’t another emotionally immature parent in disguise! (I know!) There’s also a section on understanding children’s and teens’ emotional needs which is applicable to anyone who wants to be a wise and trustworthy adult, not just for parents.
I listened to this series in preparation for the Winter Holidays, as an emotional vitamin infusion, but I will return often, especially to this volume. If, like me, your parents didn’t teach or model healthy relationships, and if merely trying to do the opposite of them doesn’t always feel nourishing or life-giving, these books are a sane and wise friend.
Short, right to the point chapters cover everything from healthy emotional boundaries, to what emotionally mature friendships do and don’t look like (and how to develop better ones, if your current friendships are draining or painful), to practical ways to approach stress and life challenges. And how to find a spiritual teacher that isn’t another emotionally immature parent in disguise! (I know!) There’s also a section on understanding children’s and teens’ emotional needs which is applicable to anyone who wants to be a wise and trustworthy adult, not just for parents.
I listened to this series in preparation for the Winter Holidays, as an emotional vitamin infusion, but I will return often, especially to this volume. If, like me, your parents didn’t teach or model healthy relationships, and if merely trying to do the opposite of them doesn’t always feel nourishing or life-giving, these books are a sane and wise friend.
May 29, 2023
Update: just got done telling my therapist about this book hehe :)
WOW. I’ll go ahead and be bold..read this.
If you grew up in a cult, severe abuse, violent racism, etc, this is not going to be a book that touches on anything close to that so I want to give a warning that this book is probably not for that. HOWEVER, this book has been amazing in reiterating my choices and the sacrifices I’ve made to keep me and my family safe, and goes into how to take care of yourself while holding boundaries, especially AFTER starting a healing journey.
A pretty quick read with some beautiful tips for parents as well. I’m excited to talk to my therapist about this book hehe
May the bridges you burn light your way and keep you warm ❤️🔥
WOW. I’ll go ahead and be bold..read this.
If you grew up in a cult, severe abuse, violent racism, etc, this is not going to be a book that touches on anything close to that so I want to give a warning that this book is probably not for that. HOWEVER, this book has been amazing in reiterating my choices and the sacrifices I’ve made to keep me and my family safe, and goes into how to take care of yourself while holding boundaries, especially AFTER starting a healing journey.
A pretty quick read with some beautiful tips for parents as well. I’m excited to talk to my therapist about this book hehe
May the bridges you burn light your way and keep you warm ❤️🔥
January 30, 2022
Series of short snippets and advice. Definitely not the book I'd recommend on this topic of emotionally immature parents... The author's other two books are far more useful, containing more nuanced discussion. This book is simplistic, and even contains incorrect stuff (for example, Cesar Milan's idea of wolf dominance - undermined years ago, by the same guy who first developed it). This book didn't even feel like the same author. More like the publisher tried to create a Chicken Soup for the Soul, but as advice, from the first two books.
December 5, 2021
This book, for me at least, was a little lack luster. There was less help understanding and processing your past and more about your future. This was good at some times but it went into topics I don’t think completely followed the actual title or idea of the book such as a ton of parenting tips which I don’t think I really signed up for. I was hoping it would focus more on what the title outlined and less on if you become a parent (which a lot don’t even want to do). Overall I just thought it was going to be more about the child of an EI parent and less of how you SHOULD become a good parent. However, it was overall pretty informative and positive. Just keep the huge amount of future parenting tips in mind if you’re interested in reading this.
March 31, 2022
DNFed at 62%.
Couldn't get through the whole "Parents, your child is/will be so and so" part and, at that point, I was rolling my eyes so hard every paragraph that I couldn't just powerthrough and get to the rest.
Girlie, stop, you're making a fool of yourself talking about zoomers like you know the inner self of ANY of them, idolizing your problematic faves like the Dalai Lama or Ceasar Millan, talking about alphas like it's a thing or the whole extrovert/introvert child behavior. This is giving pseudo science, or even psychopop bs (yeah, not the good kind). Not to be ageist, but seriously tho, how old are you? And not only that, but are you actually TRYING to understand people just a tiny bit younger than you, like at all? Are you listening to them or just hearing them/talking at them? My therapist is not young, yet when I tell her about the world I live in, with my millenial reality and dipped in my zoomers friends' one as well, she asks questions instead of putting all of us into this paint-by-number canvas build by fuckos who cry over their glory days of yore.
Not saying I didn't get some quotes here and there, some food for thoughts on my own path of mental healing and childhood trauma stuff. But oof. Not enough to salvage the whole thing. I'm going to give the author another chance some day and check out the actual book everyone is talking about, the one before this who hasn't "self-care" in the title (though this here book doesn't have much self-care inside it either). Because yeah no, this one just ain't it.
The whole construction as well, the very short snippets of "wisdom"? Not the best. It's giving messy vibes and that's not what the title advertises, at all. Ngl, I thought I was going to get much more even though I saw some of the reviews, and I should have listened. I should have dnf-ed it after about 40%. The last 22% were close to being dogshit.
I said what I said.
Couldn't get through the whole "Parents, your child is/will be so and so" part and, at that point, I was rolling my eyes so hard every paragraph that I couldn't just powerthrough and get to the rest.
Girlie, stop, you're making a fool of yourself talking about zoomers like you know the inner self of ANY of them, idolizing your problematic faves like the Dalai Lama or Ceasar Millan, talking about alphas like it's a thing or the whole extrovert/introvert child behavior. This is giving pseudo science, or even psychopop bs (yeah, not the good kind). Not to be ageist, but seriously tho, how old are you? And not only that, but are you actually TRYING to understand people just a tiny bit younger than you, like at all? Are you listening to them or just hearing them/talking at them? My therapist is not young, yet when I tell her about the world I live in, with my millenial reality and dipped in my zoomers friends' one as well, she asks questions instead of putting all of us into this paint-by-number canvas build by fuckos who cry over their glory days of yore.
Not saying I didn't get some quotes here and there, some food for thoughts on my own path of mental healing and childhood trauma stuff. But oof. Not enough to salvage the whole thing. I'm going to give the author another chance some day and check out the actual book everyone is talking about, the one before this who hasn't "self-care" in the title (though this here book doesn't have much self-care inside it either). Because yeah no, this one just ain't it.
The whole construction as well, the very short snippets of "wisdom"? Not the best. It's giving messy vibes and that's not what the title advertises, at all. Ngl, I thought I was going to get much more even though I saw some of the reviews, and I should have listened. I should have dnf-ed it after about 40%. The last 22% were close to being dogshit.
I said what I said.
August 17, 2023
this literally had almost nothing to do with emotionally immature parents. not helpful, not for me.
September 1, 2021
At the beginning of the pandemic I stumbled upon Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents through my libraries digital collection. Generally, I avoid self-help books. I often find them condescending or impractical. However, the wait list for it was ridiculously long and I was intrigued. Over a year later I finally received it. I finished it in a day.
There was a lot of useful information and tools for self-reflection about identifying what type of Emotionally Immature parent you had and means to identify your coping mechanisms. My only complaint was that there wasn't any real focus on addressing how to recognize if you've adopted emotionally immature behaviours yourself and how to work on maturing in these area's. Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents addresses that.
"To be emotionally healthy you have to be as available to yourself as you would with someone you love."
There are three parts: Protecting & Caring for Yourself, Dealing with People, and Coping with Challenges. Each of those sections are broken down further to address different situations or issues into bite-sized chapter's so it isn't overwhelming. The author discusses how internalized behaviours you've picked up from your emotionally immature parents impact your romantic relationship's but also relationships with your children or co-workers. There's a good balance between self-reflection and focusing on interaction's with others.
I find the advice given is gently delivered and practical. Although, it's easily used to address overcoming a person's past, it can also be applied to your current situation and as a means to shape the future you would like see.
If you don't create and manage your own story, someone else may write it for you."
I recommend this book to anyone whose negative childhood has lingered with them into adulthood or are concerned about repeating their parent's emotionally immature mistakes. The advice is also applicable to anyone that may just want to break themselves of self-defeating habits.
Thank you Netgalley and the publisher for giving me a advance readers copy in exchange for a honest review. All quotes come from an uncorrected arc and may change.
There was a lot of useful information and tools for self-reflection about identifying what type of Emotionally Immature parent you had and means to identify your coping mechanisms. My only complaint was that there wasn't any real focus on addressing how to recognize if you've adopted emotionally immature behaviours yourself and how to work on maturing in these area's. Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents addresses that.
"To be emotionally healthy you have to be as available to yourself as you would with someone you love."
There are three parts: Protecting & Caring for Yourself, Dealing with People, and Coping with Challenges. Each of those sections are broken down further to address different situations or issues into bite-sized chapter's so it isn't overwhelming. The author discusses how internalized behaviours you've picked up from your emotionally immature parents impact your romantic relationship's but also relationships with your children or co-workers. There's a good balance between self-reflection and focusing on interaction's with others.
I find the advice given is gently delivered and practical. Although, it's easily used to address overcoming a person's past, it can also be applied to your current situation and as a means to shape the future you would like see.
If you don't create and manage your own story, someone else may write it for you."
I recommend this book to anyone whose negative childhood has lingered with them into adulthood or are concerned about repeating their parent's emotionally immature mistakes. The advice is also applicable to anyone that may just want to break themselves of self-defeating habits.
Thank you Netgalley and the publisher for giving me a advance readers copy in exchange for a honest review. All quotes come from an uncorrected arc and may change.
January 18, 2023
For me, Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was like a prolonged therapy session. A few months ago I was captivated by the first book in this series, called simply Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and knew without a doubt I would pick up anything else this wonderful woman had written.
The concept of self-care is one we tend to have a lot of misconceptions about. It makes us think scented candles, face masks and other things that do have their meaning, but can often be surface-level, if our needs actually are more profound than that. True self-care can sometimes be found in the most uncomfortable, even painful processes of escaping comfort zones that we created due to our childhood traumas.
This book consists of three parts. The first is titled Protecting and Caring for Yourself and is, in my opinion, the strongest one. Our relationship with ourselves must always come before anything else, which is why this is the part the book starts with. The second part, Dealing with People guides you towards a healthier relationships with others. Lastly, the third part, Coping with Challenges talks about stress and explores more beneficial ways to deal with exterior circumstances.
It was a pleasant and quite easy read, with some really strong points, as well as some weaker ones. On reading some specific parts, I would widen my eyes in shock and hurry to highlight them and they actually wound up coming to my mind in my day-to-day life when I could apply them. (What more could you possibly want from a self-help book?) On the other hand, some chapters were based on strange, forced metaphors. I couldn't help but get the feeling that the author would have wanted a shorter and more to-the-point book, but she was told she needed to provide more text.
All in all, I think the key chapters and quotes in this book are memorable enough to make the less interesting parts worthwhile. If something sticks enough to make me think about it after I've read it, and even tell my friends about it, it's probably good.
The concept of self-care is one we tend to have a lot of misconceptions about. It makes us think scented candles, face masks and other things that do have their meaning, but can often be surface-level, if our needs actually are more profound than that. True self-care can sometimes be found in the most uncomfortable, even painful processes of escaping comfort zones that we created due to our childhood traumas.
This book consists of three parts. The first is titled Protecting and Caring for Yourself and is, in my opinion, the strongest one. Our relationship with ourselves must always come before anything else, which is why this is the part the book starts with. The second part, Dealing with People guides you towards a healthier relationships with others. Lastly, the third part, Coping with Challenges talks about stress and explores more beneficial ways to deal with exterior circumstances.
It was a pleasant and quite easy read, with some really strong points, as well as some weaker ones. On reading some specific parts, I would widen my eyes in shock and hurry to highlight them and they actually wound up coming to my mind in my day-to-day life when I could apply them. (What more could you possibly want from a self-help book?) On the other hand, some chapters were based on strange, forced metaphors. I couldn't help but get the feeling that the author would have wanted a shorter and more to-the-point book, but she was told she needed to provide more text.
All in all, I think the key chapters and quotes in this book are memorable enough to make the less interesting parts worthwhile. If something sticks enough to make me think about it after I've read it, and even tell my friends about it, it's probably good.
November 22, 2022
I swear this was written just for me. I felt so comforted and understood by this book.
May 3, 2022
Like many others, I was profoundly impacted by Gibson's other book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and I was looking forward to some more practical, daily life applications from this book. This was not that.
There are some meaningful chapters, but the book often veers away from being about specific challenges due to being raised by EI parents, and becomes vague, ableist, and trite.
This becomes upsetting and shows up in parts about challenges re: EI parents too. Such as in the "Meet Your Maker" chapter she says "But if we hadn't had someone to resist and resent along the way, would we ever have uncovered our true individuality?" (pg 110) Barf. Wtf kind of nonsense is this? She goes on to use a metaphor about Michaelangelo carving David.
"I wonder what David had to say to Michaelangelo once he was fully finished and brought into this world. Might he have said to his creator, 'Did it have to be so painful?" Perhaps he would say, "Surely there was another way to get me out of that stone without so much conflict and pounding?" Or would he let all that go, standing there gleaming from all the friction, a beautifully burnished magnificence that had withstood the swing of his maker's mallet. Maybe he would just say, "Thank you. It was worth it all just to be here." (pg 112)
I skipped the parenting section, since it's not applicable. I nearly didn't finish the book because the final sections were so upsetting for me. I powered through today and am writing this review as a sort of therapeutic debrief.
The "Appreciate Your Threshold Guardians" chapter reeks of privilege and a just-world fallacy.
"Many people get discouraged and lose their nerve when their dream takes more work than they thought it would. You can see it in their eyes when they first realize that the path is not as easy as it looked. Their face says it all: it shouldn't have to be this hard. But wait! Yes, it does! That's the whole point!"
"You will be tempted to step aside and go back to envying others who got what they wanted."
"If you find yourself feeling hopeless or like giving up, you have just met a threshold guardian. Call it by name. Let it know you understand what it's trying to do. Then ask it to step aside and go after that fuller life for yourself. It is supposed to be this hard. It is the only way that dreamers turn into heroes." (pg 176)
She might as well have told us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.
When she talks about being addicted to stress, she doesn't add another section for those of us who aren't stressaholics but have to live with constant stress due to lack of privilege, resources, or anxiety disorders. (pg 182 - 184)
Then she spouts some nonsense of about emotions only taking 90 seconds, which seems like a vast oversimplification. (pg 185 - 187)
Her credibility took a serious nosedive for me when she built a chapter around the long since debunked myth of the left brain and the right brain. (pg 193 - 195)
In "How to Approach Problems" she says that "a problem is just a reality riddle" and that "The solution will come out of the circumstances the problem sits in. It is like writing a story: all the letters you need are right there on your keyboard; you just have to put them in the right order!"
"Suddenly you find out that your desperate circumstances are a kind of gift." Gtfo with this privileged bs. (pg 206 - 208)
There's a chapter written for hoarders, but somehow ended up in this book. "When you're cleaning things out, steer clear of sentimentality." (pg 225) Uh, no thank you, I have precious few things and their sentimental value is very important to me.
Among the strangest, most unhelpful chapters is the last one, "The Rest of Your Life." She begins by telling a story about a random stranger at one of her book signings.
"...an older woman paused and sniffed disagreeably as she passed my book display. My title [Who You Were Meant To Be] seemed to have hit a nerve with her, and she retorted that it was certainly too late for her to be thinking about who she was meant to be. Her unhappy face and downturned mouth told the whole story. She thought she was being realistic. What she was really being was depressed." (pg 230)
So Gibson got mildly dissed by a random stranger, she diagnoses them based on this interaction, and then includes this in her book?? I'd make a dismissive face at that trite book title too.
This chapter goes on to say that "you are eternally sixteen" and that "at heart, you are immortal" as if we need to be in complete denial of our mortality in order to live fully for as long as we're alive.
___
Overall, this book was a massive disappointment and more triggering than helpful for me. It has some good advice in it too, as well as some basic, surface level emotional regulation and life management techniques.
This book, like much of what I've come across in the field of psychology, does not do enough to address the very real, powerful impact that systems of oppression have on those of us who may not have the privilege, resources, or physical/mental ability to navigate those systems "successfully."
I wouldn't expect this book to be a deep dive into those issues, but I am disappointed that so much of her "insight" is so dismissive. She seems to have a worldview where toxic positivity wins the day, and if we just "decide that, no matter what happens, you're going to make it work" (pg 227) then we will "will the prize" (pg 176) in this "game of life." (pg 178)
There are some meaningful chapters, but the book often veers away from being about specific challenges due to being raised by EI parents, and becomes vague, ableist, and trite.
This becomes upsetting and shows up in parts about challenges re: EI parents too. Such as in the "Meet Your Maker" chapter she says "But if we hadn't had someone to resist and resent along the way, would we ever have uncovered our true individuality?" (pg 110) Barf. Wtf kind of nonsense is this? She goes on to use a metaphor about Michaelangelo carving David.
"I wonder what David had to say to Michaelangelo once he was fully finished and brought into this world. Might he have said to his creator, 'Did it have to be so painful?" Perhaps he would say, "Surely there was another way to get me out of that stone without so much conflict and pounding?" Or would he let all that go, standing there gleaming from all the friction, a beautifully burnished magnificence that had withstood the swing of his maker's mallet. Maybe he would just say, "Thank you. It was worth it all just to be here." (pg 112)
I skipped the parenting section, since it's not applicable. I nearly didn't finish the book because the final sections were so upsetting for me. I powered through today and am writing this review as a sort of therapeutic debrief.
The "Appreciate Your Threshold Guardians" chapter reeks of privilege and a just-world fallacy.
"Many people get discouraged and lose their nerve when their dream takes more work than they thought it would. You can see it in their eyes when they first realize that the path is not as easy as it looked. Their face says it all: it shouldn't have to be this hard. But wait! Yes, it does! That's the whole point!"
"You will be tempted to step aside and go back to envying others who got what they wanted."
"If you find yourself feeling hopeless or like giving up, you have just met a threshold guardian. Call it by name. Let it know you understand what it's trying to do. Then ask it to step aside and go after that fuller life for yourself. It is supposed to be this hard. It is the only way that dreamers turn into heroes." (pg 176)
She might as well have told us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.
When she talks about being addicted to stress, she doesn't add another section for those of us who aren't stressaholics but have to live with constant stress due to lack of privilege, resources, or anxiety disorders. (pg 182 - 184)
Then she spouts some nonsense of about emotions only taking 90 seconds, which seems like a vast oversimplification. (pg 185 - 187)
Her credibility took a serious nosedive for me when she built a chapter around the long since debunked myth of the left brain and the right brain. (pg 193 - 195)
In "How to Approach Problems" she says that "a problem is just a reality riddle" and that "The solution will come out of the circumstances the problem sits in. It is like writing a story: all the letters you need are right there on your keyboard; you just have to put them in the right order!"
"Suddenly you find out that your desperate circumstances are a kind of gift." Gtfo with this privileged bs. (pg 206 - 208)
There's a chapter written for hoarders, but somehow ended up in this book. "When you're cleaning things out, steer clear of sentimentality." (pg 225) Uh, no thank you, I have precious few things and their sentimental value is very important to me.
Among the strangest, most unhelpful chapters is the last one, "The Rest of Your Life." She begins by telling a story about a random stranger at one of her book signings.
"...an older woman paused and sniffed disagreeably as she passed my book display. My title [Who You Were Meant To Be] seemed to have hit a nerve with her, and she retorted that it was certainly too late for her to be thinking about who she was meant to be. Her unhappy face and downturned mouth told the whole story. She thought she was being realistic. What she was really being was depressed." (pg 230)
So Gibson got mildly dissed by a random stranger, she diagnoses them based on this interaction, and then includes this in her book?? I'd make a dismissive face at that trite book title too.
This chapter goes on to say that "you are eternally sixteen" and that "at heart, you are immortal" as if we need to be in complete denial of our mortality in order to live fully for as long as we're alive.
___
Overall, this book was a massive disappointment and more triggering than helpful for me. It has some good advice in it too, as well as some basic, surface level emotional regulation and life management techniques.
This book, like much of what I've come across in the field of psychology, does not do enough to address the very real, powerful impact that systems of oppression have on those of us who may not have the privilege, resources, or physical/mental ability to navigate those systems "successfully."
I wouldn't expect this book to be a deep dive into those issues, but I am disappointed that so much of her "insight" is so dismissive. She seems to have a worldview where toxic positivity wins the day, and if we just "decide that, no matter what happens, you're going to make it work" (pg 227) then we will "will the prize" (pg 176) in this "game of life." (pg 178)
January 23, 2023
Wonderful book, dumb title. Marketing team fail. True title is: For human being with emotions dealing with other human being with emotions and especially if you have human being for children with emotions.
March 21, 2022
This book consists of very short and numerous chapters. I started out really liking the book, listening at a fast speed initially and then slowing it down to re-listen to the first several chapters. Focusing on your intuition and gut instinct, etc felt like solid healing advice. But as the book progressed, it took a turn. Suddenly there were many chapters about parenting which were unexpected and sped through the life span of a child at light speed. There was nothing in the title to suggest it would focus on parenting, and I didn't feel it added anything to the book (although I'm also not a parent). After the parenting section, it continued on with cliched truisms chapter after chapter. After a few unfortunate (sexist, racist) examples (simulate the can-do attitude and adventurous spirit of the settlers and how girls are like horses, etc.) the book lost me and utterly disappointed me.
January 12, 2022
I really enjoyed Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and picked up this book hoping to find more exercises and insights. And left a bit disappointed. Rather than exercises it was mini-essays on various aspects of self-care. There was a lot of good information and I felt the beginning of the book had some good insights, but towards the end it was stuff you'd find in a lot of other materials. For someone with no self-care skills this would be a good place to start and a less intimidating place than Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, but for people with more awareness or skills I would recommend something else.
December 29, 2022
This book was a bait and switch. The first part of this book related to the title, but the last parts devolved in to incoherent ramblings. Topics include parenting, girls liking horses, Einstein playing soccer. At one point the author describes a mule in painful detail. I didn’t take anything away from this book and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else. I’m not usually this harsh, but if you are writing a book about self-care (presumably) then you should deliver. This feels like a money grab and I’m very disappointed.
February 13, 2024
10/10 fantastic read. My only complaint is that the content was heavy and it took me about a year to read because I personally needed breaks.
So glad I finished it because the end of the book was inspiring ♥️
So glad I finished it because the end of the book was inspiring ♥️
July 13, 2023
I hated this, the Cesar Millan bit was awful and also so much unnecessary diet comparisons to self care and cringe analogies but the horse girl but had me DYING. sorry girls feel a kinship to horses because they work themselves to death??? What?There were a few okay reminders of rest, but it was a whole lot of general self help tips that you can find in literally any other book. Overall the most bizarre advice and analogies.
March 23, 2022
I always had a feeling that this book could be shorter. Some chapters were super helpful and some were very obvious to me. I suppose that I might’ve learnt some of the lessons from the book before I read it and it might be the reason I didn’t find some chapters interesting to me.
November 21, 2022
idk why i even finished this bc it was so excruciatingly instagram therapy vibes but i did it
March 18, 2023
بیشتر شبیه یه لیست طولانی از توصیههایی برای زندگی بهتر بود. تمرکز چندان زیادی روی خودمراقبتی نداشت. توی مباحث عمیق نشده بود. و به نظر من فقط یه یادآوری بود از چیزهایی که از همهی کتابای رشد عاطفی و روانشناسا این روزا میشنویم. اطلاعات جدیدی ارائه نمیداد.
July 7, 2023
Got me through a really difficult visit with my parents.
May 24, 2022
2.5 Stars
I first read, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Dr. Gibson and liked it enough to see what else she had to say.
My rating is mild for this follow up book because it start off one way, veered off into a different direction, then found it's conclusion in the end settling on an uplifting note. It started off with very practical how-tos and breaking things down for the reader, especially if they have not experienced much talk therapy with a professional or explored many self-care practices that have begun to enter the mainstream culture.
However, at one point I genuinely had to pause and make sure I picked up the right book and hadn't accidentally begun to read a parenting book. The transition was not seemless and felt more like, there was not enough of the how-to-do-self-care bit so they had to fluff up the book with some chapters on parenting... I suppose a fair argument would be to say that many adults become parents, so it's good to cover that. But I would argue, would that not be better included in a book specifically on parenting? Because truly not all of us are or want to be parents, and truth be told our healing from our upbringing plays a significant role in that decision.
Another sticking point I have is that she references the outdated and de-bunked dog training theory of alpha dogs, often known as dominance theory. She is trying to make a point about how some emotionally immature parents use certain tactics to try to gain or maintain dominance. Fine, valid. But when a scientist or researcher is referencing de-bunked theories as truth... one begins to question them more overall.
I most recommend the first book I read by Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I first read, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Dr. Gibson and liked it enough to see what else she had to say.
My rating is mild for this follow up book because it start off one way, veered off into a different direction, then found it's conclusion in the end settling on an uplifting note. It started off with very practical how-tos and breaking things down for the reader, especially if they have not experienced much talk therapy with a professional or explored many self-care practices that have begun to enter the mainstream culture.
However, at one point I genuinely had to pause and make sure I picked up the right book and hadn't accidentally begun to read a parenting book. The transition was not seemless and felt more like, there was not enough of the how-to-do-self-care bit so they had to fluff up the book with some chapters on parenting... I suppose a fair argument would be to say that many adults become parents, so it's good to cover that. But I would argue, would that not be better included in a book specifically on parenting? Because truly not all of us are or want to be parents, and truth be told our healing from our upbringing plays a significant role in that decision.
Another sticking point I have is that she references the outdated and de-bunked dog training theory of alpha dogs, often known as dominance theory. She is trying to make a point about how some emotionally immature parents use certain tactics to try to gain or maintain dominance. Fine, valid. But when a scientist or researcher is referencing de-bunked theories as truth... one begins to question them more overall.
I most recommend the first book I read by Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
July 30, 2021
Really excellent content. It doesn’t have to be read in order; each chapter is a bite-sized, yet deeply focused on some aspect or other. I found it to be just the right balance. Not overwhelming but certainly not shallow or surface-level content either.
As a regular attender of Adult Child of Alcoholics and/or Dysfunctional Families, I found this book to be an absolutely lovely companion on the road to nurture my inner child and develop my own loving inner parent.
There is also a practical section on how to parent your own kids in an emotionally connected, mature way that I found very helpful.
As a regular attender of Adult Child of Alcoholics and/or Dysfunctional Families, I found this book to be an absolutely lovely companion on the road to nurture my inner child and develop my own loving inner parent.
There is also a practical section on how to parent your own kids in an emotionally connected, mature way that I found very helpful.
June 30, 2023
Listen… 2 stars feels harsh. But while this is not a bad book/ doesn’t contain necessarily bad advice, it was hard for me to finish. The title is misleading (has very little to do with EI parents) and mostly it’s just 70 short pieces of vague, intuitive life advice without a lot of depth, complexity, nuance, or real guidance as to how to put things into practice. Disappointing after reading her first book.
July 25, 2023
This book has little to do with self care and lots to do with explaining the impact that emotionally immature parents have on their adult children. It wasn’t what I was looking for, but I honestly was liking it at first. It brought up some interesting points, gave me ideas to reflect on. And then it lost me. It just gets SO random—I could not predict what I was going to read next at times. I also feel it lacked the nuance it needed to be a good book.
December 31, 2023
DNF. What a load of incoherent mumble jumble with no actual useful advice for “self-help”. Felt like the author was told to fill a quota of words and did just that with a dump of dragged-out irrelevant details. And what’s up with the sudden focus on parenting advice? It felt forced and unnecessary, just a way to gain points with parents by the mere fact of mentioning children/parenting, while not actually giving anything insightful. What an absolute disappointment.
May 27, 2022
I liked it and there were some valuable insights, but it was my least favorite of the series.
February 26, 2023
I stumbled across this book after Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I don't think this book is meant to help the same audience as her previous book. This book uses a lot of analogies and fewer direct stories to communicate the importance of self-awareness, self-care, and building back the confidence and instincts worn down by emotionally immature parents and their environment. This book doesn't have the same thoughtful activities or quizzes to guide you on your self-care journey and spends a lot more time focusing on parents/parents-to-be than strictly adult children. Your expectations and reason to pick up this book may change how you feel about the content.
This book is helpful if you are new to the topics of self-care and reparenting yourself and prefer analogies or stories to understand topics instead of lecture-style facts or statistics.
One example of how the author uses analogies is in the chapter
The Café of Love
"We can afford to be selective only when we are emotionally well-fed. when we’re famished after a childhood with an EI parent, any restaurant is a welcome sight. we’re not too picky as long as it has a nice facade and parking near the door. we barely take time to check the menu.
But the real problem is not what’s on the menu. the deeper problem occurs when we’re too impatient to read the menu. we sit down at the table already starving. We latch onto the other person immediately, NEEDING them before we even KNOW them. if we already need someone we don’t really know, the potential for letdown is huge.
This was a great analogy and an example of how this book shines in introducing certain topics to people both new and seasoned to a particular topic.
However, this book's reliance on analogies and stories sometimes felt a bit flat and I noticed some ideas were much stronger than others while some felt like filler. The book came across much more general and less fleshed out than the original book and often focused on parents or parents-to-be and less on the adult children of EI. For example, it touched on boundaries, instincts, emotions, etc but bounced around quickly and never fleshed some of these topics out which is why it's a great starter but maybe not as much if you've done some of this work on your own. Unlike the other book each topic felt like it scratched the top surface but it felt very opinion based and it doesn't feel like a reference book. It's a choose-your-own adventure. This may or may not be for you.
I don't think this book is meant to help the same audience as her previous book. This book uses a lot of analogies and fewer direct stories to communicate the importance of self-awareness, self-care, and building back the confidence and instincts worn down by emotionally immature parents and their environment. This book doesn't have the same thoughtful activities or quizzes to guide you on your self-care journey and spends a lot more time focusing on parents/parents-to-be than strictly adult children. Your expectations and reason to pick up this book may change how you feel about the content.
This book is helpful if you are new to the topics of self-care and reparenting yourself and prefer analogies or stories to understand topics instead of lecture-style facts or statistics.
One example of how the author uses analogies is in the chapter
The Café of Love
"We can afford to be selective only when we are emotionally well-fed. when we’re famished after a childhood with an EI parent, any restaurant is a welcome sight. we’re not too picky as long as it has a nice facade and parking near the door. we barely take time to check the menu.
But the real problem is not what’s on the menu. the deeper problem occurs when we’re too impatient to read the menu. we sit down at the table already starving. We latch onto the other person immediately, NEEDING them before we even KNOW them. if we already need someone we don’t really know, the potential for letdown is huge.
This was a great analogy and an example of how this book shines in introducing certain topics to people both new and seasoned to a particular topic.
However, this book's reliance on analogies and stories sometimes felt a bit flat and I noticed some ideas were much stronger than others while some felt like filler. The book came across much more general and less fleshed out than the original book and often focused on parents or parents-to-be and less on the adult children of EI. For example, it touched on boundaries, instincts, emotions, etc but bounced around quickly and never fleshed some of these topics out which is why it's a great starter but maybe not as much if you've done some of this work on your own. Unlike the other book each topic felt like it scratched the top surface but it felt very opinion based and it doesn't feel like a reference book. It's a choose-your-own adventure. This may or may not be for you.
March 20, 2024
I debated giving the book 3 or 4 stars due to the variety of personal applicability and inapplicability. There were some points that validated internalized feelings and explained certain characteristics that triggered so many tears while providing solutions/coping mechanisms to navigate through those feelings caused by the emotionally immature parent(s). I also think the book provided and taught a great sense of independence from the EI parent. However, there were other parts that I just didn't personally find applicable to myself whatsoever and other points that seemed like common sense lacking a ?proper tool? to help improve one's self. Overall, I think this book would be most ideal for someone who is very open to standard psychotherapy that consists of easily changing your mindset and validating your feelings to ensure change (I'm personally more influenced by CBT).
July 1, 2023
Advice started strong and was applicable. However, the advice starting from about parenting on did not seem relevant and was overly submissive (much like the habits I had been practicing due to the environment I grew up). It seemed to say “just let your children be poorly behaving”, “it’s ok that your extroverted child has outbursts and say cruel things they don’t mean”, or “just remember to hug your introverted child so they don’t fee abandoned”. No, I don’t need to control my child’s every move and they are allowed to be themselves, but there are skills they need to learn like my introverted baby needs to SAY when they’re not ok and my extrovert just can’t have diarrhea of the mouth and expect zero consequences for hurting their loved ones.
The advice was redundant and repetitive.
The greatest take away I got was, don’t work yourself to death, only you know your limits. You don’t have to be around people who are exhausting because your body is telling you something.
Overall, I highly recommend the first half of the book.
The advice was redundant and repetitive.
The greatest take away I got was, don’t work yourself to death, only you know your limits. You don’t have to be around people who are exhausting because your body is telling you something.
Overall, I highly recommend the first half of the book.
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